Do you have devastatingly sexy hands? Are they soft, flawless, with a vice-like grip? Are your nails free of feces? Are your fingers long and slender? Have you ever considered becoming a hand model? The best thing about body part modeling is that you can still get work even if you're short and fat with a face like a smacked ass. From magazines to TV commercials to movies, hands are officially in demand. All you need is a portfolio of professional shots and you could soon be on your way to making hundreds of dollars a year. That's where I come in. I'm so much more than a photographer (in fact, I'm not really a photographer but that's beside the point). I know hands. I'm obsessed with hands. I'm a hand guru. You need stamina to be a hand model and I will really put you through the paces. I'll run tests to determine grip, skin texture and range of motion. I'll teach you exercises to keep your hands taut and supple. I'll make you do things with a banana. Don't worry if you've never modeled before - I'm very good with first-timers. I always ease people into it with a few drinks and tranquilizers before stripping and moving onto some role-playing games. I'm a firm believer that you can't strike natural hand poses until you're comfortable with your body as a whole. My studio apartment is fully decked out with a digital camera, video camera, enema machine, TV, suspension harness, microwave, alligator clips, electrodes, mattress, soundproofing, a tazer, a couple of desk lamps from Krapea and a slightly temperamental 1980's boom box. People tell me it has a great vibe. I also have a wide assortment of oils, lotions, lubricants and a bottle of stuff called "DNA-B-GONE" that got me out of some nasty charges filed by the police. I also have a load of crazy pills I found in my grandmother's hospital room. I use a combination of video and stills to create a varied portfolio that will capture the beauty and versatility of your hands in a range of imaginative positions. Believe me, I've used mine enough to know what works and what doesn't. Men, women, children, senior citizens, little people... I'm not fussy. There are no rules when it comes to hands. I'm the kind of guy who likes to mix it up and have some fun. Go to work on me with an emery board, tickle me with your perfect fingers, spank me with an open palm and I'll catch it all on film. Sound like a good time? Yes, but it's also your pathway to a career in fashion as a top quality model. Soon, you will be making millions and living the high life, all because you've got great hands and a good work ethic. Like most people with a good work ethic, you have decided modeling is for you. And it is. But before you can get ahead, you need a hand. And that is why my portfolio work comes in handy. I have an urgent requirement for hand models that are prepared to travel to Alderney City for photo shoots. No friends, escorts or chaperones - just you, your hands and an open mind. What are you waiting for? I'll make you a star! Contact daddydennis@hand-jobs-online.com today to set up an appointment. Redwood Cigarettes seeks well-manicured hand models for subliminal television commercials. Male and female. All ages. Fruit willing to pay top dollar for a male model with gigantic hands to make their latest MP3 phone look smaller on billboard ads. Must be completely hairless. FEMALE HAND MODEL needed for new Piswasser commercial. Must also be able to deep-throat a beer bottle. Natural nails only - the rest of you can be fake, in fact we'd prefer it. Well-worn, strapping, construction worker hands wanted for power drill commercial. Hands required for lab testing of chemical cleaning products. High fee but potentially the last modeling job you'll do. Elderly, mottled hand required for patronizing senior citizen commercial. Must be covered in veins and age spots. Tiny female hands needed to work with self-conscious male porn star. Any ethnicity. Petite Asian girls a plus. Male models should wax their hands twice a day and wear protective gloves when they engage in hand relief.